just a bit of fun 4

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,When asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of My weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
Providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'
Which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
Weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam .'

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain speaking - we're on our final descent into Coolangatta. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast .

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, have a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin to look up And down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear - he's gotta land the plane and have a shit first.'

75 yearold lady

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

Two Sisters

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, Are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula Jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, But he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin,
But he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the F**k off the car!